Healing Turning Points: Addictions, Self Hatred, Anxiety Disorders
This post is the third in a series called Healing Turning Points: Transforming Pain into Self-Love. The purpose of this series is to show you that you are not alone, that others have experienced the same pains you have, and that there is a path to healing.
You can catch up with all installments of the Healing Turning Points series below:
Part 7: Symptoms of a Spiritual Awakening
Healing our emotional wounds is a journey that is unique for each person and full of twists and turns, as well as surprising realizations.
While we can be mostly healed from our past, our growth continues and as we grow, different aspects of ourselves are brought to light. This can bring up new aspects of early wounds. This is just a natural part of the healing process.
But one thing that is true for me, and has been for all the people I’ve helped, is that you never forget that point - the point in your life when you finally said, “ENOUGH!”
I call this the “Healing Turning Point”.
We get to our Healing Turning Point in our own time, some people suffer longer than others before deciding to seek the help they need, but eventually, we all experience that moment when we know something has to change.
Today, my client, NaCole, is sharing her Healing Turning Point story…
To say my life was hard when I was a child would be an understatement.
At the early age of 5, I was self-harming by cutting myself with knives and had a lot of suicidal ideation. The message I received from my parents was that I was not worth their time. I was not lovable and everyone will abandon me. I moved often with a few different caregivers because my parents are addicts. This gave me a deep feeling of not being good enough - I felt no one wanted to keep me and love me.
I carried a big chip on my shoulder and my pain went from one extreme to the other of self hatred and rage for years. My rage protected me. I learned early on the world was not a safe place.
I was abusing drugs at 14 and moved out at 15. I had one failed relationship after another and most of them were filled with violence, abuse, and severe codependency.
Psychologists and therapists were a common theme throughout my life, but wasn’t actually open to the help until I was 18. I sought out a psychologist and was directed to a psychiatrist who labeled me with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and even schizophrenia at one point. These labels paralyzed me because I felt even more broken and helpless.
Prescription after prescription and continuing to abuse substances while seeing psychologists. I was also in and out of NA and AA trying to help myself. I learned some coping skills along the way, but I still hated myself.
Deep down I knew I had more to offer to life than what I was being told by other people. I just couldn’t get unstuck. I couldn’t put the drugs and alcohol down.
I had been diagnosed with induced schizoid personality disorder from meth addition and had stopped completely because of my mental state.
I fought desperately to do all I could do to be better and do better as a woman and mother. Yet still, self hatred lingered there, even with some years sober.
I had no clue at that time it was all emotional.
Every doctor had a pill and diagnosis for everything and I believed them. Until I didn’t.
Eventually, the marriage ended. I had a second marriage… Failed that one as well. In and out of AA, years sober and then relapsing. Again and again. What was wrong with me?! I did not understand what was occurring.
For over 35 years I spent a lifetime trying to feel better. I sought out self help books, relationships, magic, all forms of therapy and therapists, food, healthy eating, exercise, codependency, sex, drugs, and alcohol. Notice everything I sought was outside of myself. Because of this, I unconsciously was avoiding my innermost self. I was avoiding the deep pain within that I carried afraid the emotional pain would be too much for me.
For almost 10 years I was battling yeast infections and trying every holistic solution I could find only to experience temporary relief. Then a year-long yeast infection happened during my second marriage. I was miserably unhappy and had zero trust in my partner. I was staying trying to make it work when my body was screaming to leave. At the time I had been sober for 3 years, in AA, and was still planning my suicide.
I knew I couldn’t survive a drink but I also couldn’t bear the emotional pain I was in. I was also fucking pissed at the world!
I was fed up with my Candida and posted about it on Facebook. Immediately, I got a message from a friend giving me Elicia’s information and informing me she helped people with Candida. Less than 12 hours later another friend messaged me telling me about Elicia… The Universe was speaking loud and clear to me and I was hopeful I found the right person.
I related to her experience a great deal. After she heard what I had been experiencing with Candida symptoms and the emotional roller coaster I had been on my entire life, she recommended her Core Emotional Healing Program. I signed up as soon as I was able and was excited to start the journey.
When I started the program I had quite a bit of resistance to doing the work. I would procrastinate and feel like I wasn’t doing a good enough job because I wanted to do it perfectly. Elicia reassured me with lots of love and compassion it was okay and gently made me aware it was my defenses.
I learned that when I had a craving for anything at all - whether it was food, sex, Facebook, shopping, etc. - they were forms of addiction and ways I avoided something deeper going on within me. This opened up my eyes a great deal. I was ready to hear and accept this information as truth. Elicia gave me the tools I needed to help myself when these things occurred.
Over the course of the program, with the support in the Facebook Group, I slowly transitioned to doing the work with ease instead of putting it off. I was open and vulnerable from the beginning because the space Elicia and group created together was very safe. I was releasing old anger and pain.
I like to compare Elicia to Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid because she would suggest we do something that didn’t really make sense to me. For example, talking to my inner child. Talking to her at the age of 3. I didn’t understand how this would help me, but I did it anyway. In return, I started being nicer to myself.
I felt unconditional love for myself for the first time in my life!
I cried when I shared this in the group because it was so overwhelming. My entire life I knew I would die by my own hand and at that moment a shift occurred. Here I was, 37 years old at that moment and felt authentic love for me. It still blows my mind. It was such beautiful moment and continues to be almost 3 years later.
I spent my life hating who I was and never knew it was possible to love myself.
I was struggling tremendously with yeast and bloating. I got some great insight into the root cause of my Candida being emotional. Emotional!! All these years I struggled with Candida trying to get rid of it through a rigid Candida diet.
The worksheets and information in Elicia's program were and are still helpful to what needs to be addressed. Through the group, I could listen to and relate to other people who shared their experiences, their successes, and struggles. It’s nice to relate to others and not feel hopeless and alone as I had for years.
I started to see a shift happening in me that I hadn’t ever had in 30+ years of therapy. This inner child stuff really works!
I learned this isn’t a quick fix. I never thought it was. I mean, I had 38 years of repressed emotions and traumas that were finally being processed.
I have been healing in ways I never imagined. I can’t say enough great things about the CEH process. My life has changed so much.
Today, I am 40 years old and I no longer have any diagnosis nor any symptoms of those psychiatric conditions. All that time what I was suffering from was a self love deficit and unhealed trauma. I continue to face things as they come up and work through my triggers instead of going around them. I am not perfect at it, but knowing what to do and having tools is all I need.
I’m working out regularly and I’m loving it. I am sticking with an eating lifestyle that works for me - I’ve never lasted this long with eating healthy. I equate it to doing the inner work and loving myself enough to not put toxic crap in my body.
My intuitive voice has awoken. I hear myself and know and trust what I want to do. The Universe has been giving me exactly what I need and I feel so light and free. I’ve lost over 40 pounds! My relationships are all improving and the toxic people seem to have naturally fallen away. I’m loving myself daily. I’m a better mother and am teaching my children on a spiritual level.
This work has helped me step into my authentic self.
I am a second level Reiki healer and intuitive. I am making plans for becoming a yoga instructor this next year. I seek ways to continue healing myself and my relationships.
Speaking of relationships, I have been with my current partner almost 15 months. It has been the most rewarding and beautiful romantic relationship I have experienced in my life. It has not been easy. We have triggered each other’s wounds and we have both tried running away. What’s amazing is I stay in my own lane and so does he with our own self care and we come back to each other with more understanding and better communication.
I’m currently focused on loving without attachments, practicing boundaries, and listening to hear my partner. I am so blown away by my growth and willingness to love a man unconditionally and to let him love me as well. That’s very new. I was always controlling and pushing the other men to be who I needed and today I have a partner who is exactly what I want and we accept each other flaws and all.
I don’t know what the future holds as far as who stays and goes and I don’t fear that as much as I used to. Abandonment has always been my biggest wound so this is truly remarkable. I have some anxiety around abandonment still, but that is so much better than self sabotaging destructive fear I had for years. I continue to practice having Faith in my Higher Power and having fun with self care to increase my strength as a woman.
I compare myself to the Lotus flower. I have blossomed from mud and I feel amazingly beautiful. I wish the entire world would do this work because we’d all be so much happier and at peace with one another.
If you've been struggling and would like to experience your own healing turning point, I have a free gift for you…
Empowered Healing: Discover your truth and confidently guide your own healing!
Until you have addressed the root cause of the symptoms that are holding you back, you will not be free to step into your authentic self: inspired, creative, loving, and powerful.
Let this be your healing turning point…
Lots of love!