This is the 7th installment in my series, Healing Turning Points: Transforming Pain into Self-Love. The purpose of this series is to show you that you are not alone, that others have experienced the same pains you have, and that there is a path to healing.
You can catch up with all installments of the Healing Turning Points series below:
Healing our emotional wounds is a journey that is unique for each person and full of twists and turns, as well as surprising realizations. While we can be mostly healed from our past, our growth continues and as we grow, different aspects of ourselves are brought to light. This can bring up new aspects of early wounds. This is just a natural part of the healing process.
But one thing that is true for me, and has been for all the people I’ve helped, is that you never forget that point – the point in your life when you finally said, “ENOUGH!” I call this the “Healing Turning Point”.
We get to our Healing Turning Point in our own time, some people suffer longer than others before deciding to seek the help they need, but eventually, we all experience that moment when we know something has to change.
Today, my client, Jane, is sharing her Healing Turning Point story…
It all started in 2016 when I was working and living an apparently charmed life in Hong Kong…
At the top of my game in the Corporate world, working and traveling 24/7, playing quite hard, married, the house, a beautiful daughter, two dogs, full time help, great friends, great trips for holidays, earning well…
To the outsider, a ‘perfect’ life.
Then, a vaccine turned my physical health and mental functioning upside down.
It was BRUTAL. I blamed the vaccine, but I now know it was NOT the cause, it just blew the lid off to expose a lot of things I had been hiding.
The vaccine was the trigger from the universe to address and change my life. I was not happy in my marriage – although my now ex-husband was, and is, a decent person. At work, I came across as confident and super competent, intelligent and fun, a women doing well in a traditionally man’s word.
Underneath I always thought I didn’t deserve where I was and how much I was getting paid.
I wasn’t saying what I thought in meetings, I wasn’t speaking up. I felt increasingly trapped. I was drinking too much. I was exercising too much. I hated all the long haul travel.
I had had some ‘minor’ physical issues showing themselves including joint pain, sweats, backache, stomach aches, headaches, vision changes, fungal infections – all of which I put down to travel, general work stress, etc – and just chose to work through them.
Emotionally, my patience was getting much shorter. I was a complete workaholic, I was getting increasingly angry at work, exhausted by responsibility.
I was starting to get claustrophobic, my sleep was becoming erratic, I was avoiding conflict, increasingly wondering if “this is it” with regard to where life was going. I was even getting increasingly irritated with my social group always talking about money and work. I just felt as if I had lost my mojo.
I had been oblivious to the signs for a long time, though in hindsight, I can see them clearly.
Post trigger, physically I lost almost 25 lbs – from only being 120lbs – I was fit from competitive trail running that I did with my friend, but didn’t actually enjoy. I was more concerned with people pleasing.
I had tingles, numbness, head pressure, choking at night, pain in my muscles and joints, loss of sensation in parts of my body, digestive issues, changes in eyesight, drooling for a bit (nice!), sensitivity to electronics, skin changes, feeling constant electricity through my body, couldn’t sit still, intense but actually at the time, unpleasant sexual feelings.
Mentally, I had intense rage and fear, then I would feel literally nothing. I had out of body experiences, feeling like I was in 2 places at once. I had my whole life flashing through my mind.
Then I couldn’t recognize myself. I was on an hour of sleep a night, I couldn’t do anything in my job, wanted to push people over, wanted to throw myself off buildings (thankfully, I knew I wouldn’t).
I was going to literal war zones and natural disasters in my head. I had physical feelings of channeling all the #metoo people, psychic experiences.
It was as if the whole of the world’s experiences and energy was in me. That’s not supposed to sound grand, it’s just how it was. That was just a taster… and it morphed into more spiritual and gentler stuff… albeit I could make no sense of it at the time.
Actually, at the time of the vaccine I ‘saw’ what I would be like over the following 12 – 18 months and it wasn’t pleasant. Whether that was intuition or a self-fulfilling prophecy, I don’t know.
However, the fundamental thing that saved me, and continues to guide me, was that at my core I knew this was happening for a reason.
I wasn’t crazy, and there was this inner strength telling me to keep going. Like it was watching quietly as this complete chaos was unfolding. I cannot tell you how important this was!
I held on in Hong Kong for 18 months after the breakdown, with people expecting and willing me to get back to how I was. It was scary for them, of course, as they wanted what they knew. And I tried. I even flew to London on a work trip and had the weird experience of my body going, “Oh, I know this, it’s familiar”. Even getting into my work dresses and heels.
For a moment it was like, “Ok, we got this”… and then slam, the physical and mental issues would ramp up.
I remember having so much pain in my ears and head in London. It felt like I had meningitis. My company (as they did not know what else to do), sent me to a psychiatrist who said I was delusional and wanted to put me on a load of drugs and take me into his clinic for 2 weeks. I resisted. I just knew that was not the answer, not for me.
I somehow got back to Hong Kong, went to an ENT specialist who found two holes in my eardrum and a massive mold infection in my ear. I knew exactly how the holes had gotten there – some well intended energy work that literally popped my ear drums. At the time I was navigating both the traditional medical world and alternative therapies for answers.
I had been through many traditional tests with doctors, though there were some things ‘off’, only one major thing came up – a growing fibroid in my ovaries which was eventually taken out with half my womb!
I was recommended the typical drugs to calm me… my body and intuition just rejected them completely.
Holistic doctors found high levels of toxins, Candida and SIBO. I tried different treatments – diets, supplements (which my body reacted to), hypnosis, acupuncture, EFT, craniosacral therapy, Chi Nei Sang massage and many more.
Whilst some would give temporary relief, nothing lasted.
The massage was the best of the lot… a brilliant Portuguese guy who ‘got’ what was going on and recommended I leave HK, of course, I ignored him at the time.
What he was telling me, and what I didn’t realize, was I had most of the answers inside me.
Anyway, going back to the ‘old’ me simply wasn’t going to happen. Every single bone, cell, feeling in my body and mind was pushing me to get out every time I tried to go back to ‘normal’.
Recovery only really began once I left Hong Kong. It had been a fabulous place for me, pre breakdown, but it was time to go. I stopped all treatments and got some space (literally and metaphorically) to both stand still and dig deep – to work out what to do to heal.
I came across Elicia (when I was looking up candida for the millionth time… doing the same thing and expecting different results!!). Elicia’s work just resonated.
I had been getting subliminal messages about healing my inner child. And importantly, I was ready to look at my emotions.
I had no idea how unhappy and suppressed I was until the universe laid it (and me!) out on a plate.
And even then, I had to dig deep to uncover it all.
I found out that so much came back to childhood wounds. Again, on the face of it, I had a ‘perfect’ childhood. But for various reasons, underneath it all were abandonment issues, seeking validation all the time, perfectionism, fear of dependency, having to be strong all the time and look after myself. It worked until I was 48, then it cracked…
Now I am through a lot of it. I am living back in the UK, after 20 years in Asia, in a small house I bought 10 years ago – just in case everything went ‘tits up’. There is foresight for you! Divorced, resigned from the corporate world (to be fair my company was very supportive through it all), living in the countryside.
It’s an ongoing journey through amazing places, people, lessons, and learning about light and dark, the mind, the body, the world, and the universe.
I’m also learning about Kundalini, spirituality, alternative ways of being, letting go, integrating, about a whole other world opening up, about my SELF, about gifts I seem to have and always have had but suppressed them – and know it’s taking me somewhere extraordinary, just letting it unfold.
Elicia’s work has been invaluable.
It’s not a bed of roses, and I HAD to ‘go in to get out’. I’m still doing that. I’ll 100% take the difficulty of this journey over where I was before the universe kicked me in the ass back in October 2016.
I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THAT!
I know myself better, I am speaking my truth, I am kinder to myself and others, I am more open to accepting love. I know I matter.
Practically, I spend more time with my beautiful daughter, I enjoy the simple things, I am reconnecting with people I love but somehow lost. I know I have been through this to learn and ultimately to use my learning to help others.