Healing Turning Points: Insomnia, Anxiety, Candida, and Emotional Trauma
I’m back with another installment of Healing Turning Points: Transforming Pain into Self-Love. The purpose of this series is to show you that you are not alone, that others have experienced the same pains you have, and that there is a path to healing.
You can catch up with all installments of the Healing Turning Points series below:
Part 7: Symptoms of a Spiritual AwakeningHealing our emotional wounds is a journey that is unique for each person and full of twists and turns, as well as surprising realizations. While we can be mostly healed from our past, our growth continues and as we grow, different aspects of ourselves are brought to light. This can bring up new aspects of early wounds. This is just a natural part of the healing process.But one thing that is true for me, and has been for all the people I’ve helped, is that you never forget that point – the point in your life when you finally said, “ENOUGH!” I call this the “Healing Turning Point”.We get to our Healing Turning Point in our own time, some people suffer longer than others before deciding to seek the help they need, but eventually, we all experience that moment when we know something has to change.Today, my client, Jenna, is sharing her Healing Turning Point story…
When I started working with Elicia in May of 2016, I was barely surviving. I felt like my choices were to be institutionalized or to die. I had been suffering from chronic, debilitating insomnia for over 6 years. My body never gave in to sleep. I was in a constant state of hypervigilance. In addition to the sleep deprivation and anxiety, I developed systemic candida, major food intolerances, depression, constipation, you name it. I was not safe in the world.I knew my symptoms were caused by emotional trauma. My sister killed herself in February of 2010 when my son was only 8 weeks old. My life was devastated right then and there. I froze. My life froze. I had been in a black hole ever since.
I believed her suicide was my fault. I blamed myself. I tortured myself with the belief that I killed her.
I laid awake all night, every night berating myself, hating myself, blaming myself. I was bad. I didn’t save her. My love wasn’t enough. Every time I would start to fall asleep, I’d startle myself awake. I didn’t deserve to sleep or be peaceful ever again. By the time I found Elicia in 2016, my beloved stepfather and my soulmate father had also died. My marriage had fallen apart and as of 2014, I had become a single mom. I tried everything to help myself; years of therapy, including couples therapy with my husband and an EMDR trauma specialist. I worked with doctors near and far, following their supplement regimes. I went to shaman healers, psychics, biofeedback practitioners. Nothing gave me relief.By divine serendipity, one day I googled ‘Emotions and Candida’. Elicia Miller popped up right at the top. When I saw Elicia’s Candida Wheel and read that the emotions that caused Candida were hopelessness, repressed anger, and giving your power away, I knew I had finally found someone who could help me help myself.
When I talked to Elicia for my first 30 minute video call, I was worried that she would tell me she couldn’t help me. That my situation was too complex or I was too crazy to heal. She assured me that she thought she could help me. I started private sessions with Elicia and then moved on to group work. Initially, I couldn’t even do the assignments for week 1, 2, etc. It was too much. I couldn’t face myself. Elicia was always loving and accepting. She told me week after week that I was right where I needed to be. It was a huge relief. I remember feeling jealous of how beautiful and put together Elicia looked every week on our video calls.
I felt disgusted with myself and my appearance. All I could do was berate myself for the state I was in.
Elicia fostered so much safety that I was able to tell her how I felt. She responded with even more love and acceptance.
As I described my childhood to Elicia, telling her the horrendous things my mother said and did as I was growing up, she confirmed that my mother was severely unstable and abusive. My mom was explosive and would go on verbal rampages yelling and swearing, calling me names that no child should ever be called. I had always felt shame discussing this in the past. It was incredibly validating to have Elicia listen to me and confirm what I had always known. Elicia showed me that our relationship was codependent. She taught me how to establish boundaries. My relationship with my mother is the best it’s ever been.Since my dad died, my stepmother of 33 years completely rejected me. It’s really no surprise but incredibly painful nonetheless. Our relationship was always strained. She wanted my dad for herself. I spent my life tying myself into knots trying to please her but it never worked.
Elicia listened to my experiences and patiently helped me to see clearly that I can’t get love from somebody who is unwilling/incapable of giving it to me. We focused instead on who in my life is available to love me, who is safe for me to love, and how to open myself up to receiving love from safe people. Another really important moment was when Elicia helped me to see that I say ‘Yes’ to things out of a sense of obligation.
I sell my soul to try and be the best friend, lover, daughter, etc. I do things that I don’t want to do to seek approval and then carry resentment because I gave too much.
This was unconscious until Elicia pointed it out. I turned this unhealthy pattern around quickly and prioritize my own needs now. I say ‘No’ when I want to.
It’s empowering and I feel in control of my life
And then there was the inner child work. Wow. It brings tears to my eyes thinking of my inner dialogue before I began this work.
Elicia taught me how to speak to my wounded inner child and to ‘hold’ her and tell her all of the things she didn’t hear but needed to hear growing up. To essentially re-parent her. Oh boy this took work! I slept next to my son and as he slept, while I lay awake with insomnia, I would tell my little scared self all of the things I tell him every day; how did I get so lucky to have you as my child, you are safe, I’m here to keep you safe, you are perfect the way you are, you didn’t do anything wrong. I know the work has impacted me deeply because now if I’m awake in the middle of the night, my first thought is ‘what’s wrong sweet little girl’? I’m kinder to myself.The group was invaluable to my healing. The other women became my friends; as in true friends. We exposed parts of ourselves that most people in our everyday lives don’t see. We were truly vulnerable with each other. And the support I received was life-changing. I continued working with Elicia on a weekly basis for almost 2 years. All of my health issues have subsided. I sleep, I eat, I poop, I can self-soothe. I am balanced. I can even cry. I couldn’t access my tears for years. My grief was paralyzed. Now I am able to feel my feelings and release my emotions.I have an enormous amount of respect for Elicia, her path, her vulnerability, and her work. I believe one of Elicia’s many strengths is to not judge. She can be firm, which I so appreciate, but I never felt judged. Elicia has an incredible presence. She is focused and takes her work and her client’s well-being very seriously.
I’ll be forever grateful to have found her in the first place. And I hope to continue being in her circle of love for years to come.Jenna