Week 8: No heartbeat – again. I thought this time was going to be different.
So Many Questions
When we discovered the sixth loss, I went straight into grieving. I tried to stay with the sadness and not get too in my head. But the thoughts crept in: “WHY? What is causing it…What is this all about…Why is this happening…Am I even supposed to have a baby?”
When we got home, my husband, Doug, came over to me in bed and we held each other and cried together. Doug muttered, “He is supposed to be here running around.” We both thought it was going to be a boy, and we were both feeling the loss.
The doctor suggested that I take LOVENOX® for blood clotting next time because I am positive for Factor 5 Leiden. I did inject that med every day during one of my pregnancies, but my body didn’t like it and I lost the pregnancy anyway. And then there is always the fertility specialist route that I have been reluctant to try.
I’ve tried so many things. It’s been a long journey over the past four years with many doctors, holistic practices and spiritual readers. I removed my breast implants, detoxed my body, balanced my hormones, and I just finished a 10-week “Fertility Visualization and Your Emotional Well-Being” program. I actually got pregnant around the time that program started and now as it ends, my pregnancy ends. There were so many signs that it was going to happen this time. I was so hopeful. I felt relaxed and confident.
There was nothing more to do right away though. First, I needed to grieve.
Feeling The Loss
In reflection, I must have been losing my pregnancy for three days before we found out. During that time, I had a non-stop headache. After we found out it wasn’t moving forward, I started to cry and my headache went away.
The bleeding started right when we got home. That night I woke up at 2am with intense cramping. I sat on the toilet moaning, Doug heard me and found me curled up on the bathroom floor crying. He helped me first back to bed, and then back and forth to the bathroom, comforting me as best he could.
For the next couple of hours I felt intense cramping, contractions, and chills. At one point I almost threw up at the same time that I almost passed out from the pain. My body was releasing in a very powerful way.
The pain of miscarriage is often worse than labor, because the cervix is not thinned and ready to open. Thank God for Doug. He took care of me, held me, and found some pain meds that made it bearable.
This all happened on the cusp of the new moon in Gemini with the Grand Cross…
“This New Moon nourishes our inherent bodily wisdom that simply knows the truth beyond explanations, theories and words.
“We may want to think our way through it but right now it is time to feel as well, to allow our bodies to speak and a felt sense of deep knowing to arise. Therein lies all the wisdom and advice we will need.”
-SARAH VARCAS from her Astro-Awakenings.co.uk
I had a spontaneous miscarriage, and my body released everything on its own. It was the most painful experience of my life.
Before I felt the release, I was questioning if it was meant to be, and I was in resistance and fear of going through another loss. After feeling the pain, my mind was relaxed and the questions and fear were gone. I felt more peace, love and hope than ever.
Peace Through Pain
I realized that with every other lost pregnancy, I had had a D&C operation and I didn’t FEEL the loss in my body. I was unconscious when they removed it, had no body memory of it leaving me and grieved even more after the operation.
But there was something missing: It was profound and important to feel the pain.
Being conscious of the experience of the physical and emotional loss, there was a completeness that contributed to a greater sense of renewal.
I have also realized that the connection I feel with my angel babies helps me with the inner child work I do with my clients. I don’t feel a loss. I know they are with me and one will come through when the time is right.
Reaching Out For Support
While I was processing the loss, I reached out to my support team. I made an appointment with my medical intuitive, Laura Bruno, and we explored my past life times that could be affecting it and what will help bring in a different soul. My good friend and psychic energy healer, Janet Raftis, confirmed that everything will align in the right time. Another friend referred me to her Ayurvedic Indian doctor who will be visiting Atlanta for one day in July. He’s also intuitive about the body – physically, energetically and emotionally. There are other healers and medical tests to explore.
I also felt the need to share my loss on Facebook, something that I had been reluctant to do in the past. Miscarriages are not talked about that much, in part because there has been shame associated with too many questions from others suggesting that something is wrong with you.
Power of Prayer
The night we found out, I posted a picture of a woman holding an angel baby with the caption, “My 6th angel baby left us today at 8 weeks pregnant. #grieving” The love and support we have received from that post has been so healing. 300 people have commented on that post and I have received many private messages and emails of hope, love and offerings.
Doug also posted a long article in a men’s group he started on Facebook and he has received great support regarding his journey in starting a second family and enduring these repeated losses.
People I haven’t spoken to in 10-20 years wrote me to share their story and also to let us know that they believe it will happen for us. There is tremendous power in prayer, and hundreds of people are sending out their thoughts and wishes for our baby. Many see the divine love between us and they perceive us as conscious parents.
Vulnerability Is StrengthBecause we have been vulnerable and open, Doug and I have been able to receive much love and support. This has been palpable and healing and has helped us through this. It also gave me opportunities to set boundaries with a few people who wanted to fix and shame me.
This pregnancy journey is so much like the healing journey.
The same principles that helped me while I was healing from Candida and addictive patterns – the ones I now teach my clients – apply:
Keep the faith
Visualize and believe
Feel your emotions
Be vulnerable and open
Ask for and receive support
Surrender to the journey
You are not in control of when it happens
Don’t give up when there are setbacks
Keep exploring potential causes
This is your own path; avoid comparisons
Everything will align in the right time
Trust in the process
Love you, sweet one! So glad you and Doug found each other, and the new soul will be lucky to call you Mom and Dad. Showers of blessings and continued healing!
Thank you Laura for your continued love and support! xo
I love you both andy have been thinking of you often. I love that you wrote this. Shared experiences are powerful and you are both powerful messengers. Much, much love from me.
Thank you Lea! We love you xox
Beautifully, wholeheartedly expressed.
Vulnerability is golden:)
Thank you Laura. Much love to you xox
I found myself very tearful from reading this as it brought up emotions I guess about the lose of kids I never had, I can relate on some level. I pray for your healing, strength and God’s will. Your growth from your hardship is infectious and admirable. God bless you and Doug.
Thank you Cia. Much love to you xox
Beautiful. Raw. Honest. Vulnerable. Brave. Profound. AMAZING YOU <3
Thank you Ali! Much love to you xox
E, I am amazed and inspired by this beautiful blog and cannot agree more with Allison’s adjectives to describe it. I can feel the love coming off the screen and appreciate your bravery and vulnerability. I believe that the right time will come for you and Doug. Lots of love!
Thank you Blanton! Love you so much xox
This is amazing and I can’t wait to share it with my group. What a blessing you are to share this story. Blessings!
Thank you Suzy for sharing xox