Like a fish in the water not knowing it’s wet, I had no reference point for what worthy was.
How could I even begin to understand that what I felt was un-worthy? Unworthy was simply my existence.
Let’s back up to 2005. Every event of my life up to that point culminated with me running away to Las Vegas and marrying a man who—next to my father—would prove to be the most abusive person in my life.
The next three months of escalating violent fights and yelling matches stopped only when I packed up my car with my dog and filed a police report.
I was left with divorce papers and an armload of questions: What made me choose him (and all who’d come before)? Why was I so comfortable giving away my power to men who were just like my father?
One does not simply end up in a relationship as bad as that. It takes years, a lifetime (maybe more than one lifetime) of choosing people who were fed by me giving my power to them–and of me not knowing that there is any other way.
Some women never overcome terrible relationships, and the only difference between them and me is that I kept asking, “What’s causing this?” What’s causing me to have unhealthy relationships?
Little did I know that these questions would begin my journey of empowerment.
At that time the most important things to me were looking perfect, having a designer wardrobe, and being skinny enough (impossible). I lived on snacks and went into modeling, but no matter what I ate (zero fat) and no matter how obsessively I worked out (very), I still wasn’t good enough. My diet consisted of one string of cleanses after another.
But what I was really trying to cleanse?
I thought I needed to be stick thin and perfect to be loved and I was neither of those things, so I hid however I could with sex, drugs, codependent relationships, and even through legitimate successes at work. But of course I couldn’t keep that up and I would crash.
I attended every spiritual subconscious course I could find. I began questioning my family values. Realizing that 100% of my love and approval came from outside of myself, I switched all my focus to release my ego’s attachment of material and physical perfectionism. I walked away from my wildly successful career in corporate sales (I was top 3 in the nation) and began to teach journaling and healing workshops. I was more in alignment than I had ever been in my life. I quit drinking and partying, and naturally took care of myself.
Yet I would keep learning life lessons—the uncomfortable way. I’d make the same mistakes over and over. Give away my power. Start to drink again. Get bloated. Feel spacey. Freak out about my emerging business. Take a side gig. And then inevitably, eventually, get to the point where I sought more healing.
How long did this cycle go on? Let’s just say that it led me to a small island in Thailand and to experience practically every single modality out there.
Throughout all of it I kept asking, “What am I not seeing?”
I never gave up, even when I slipped up, even when I had no idea how to truly answer that question.
At the point when I discovered I had Systemic Candida I had never before gone without fruit, dried fruit, and alcohol for an extended time. But I did it for an entire year and a half and only slipped once.
I’ll admit I did have a mighty advantage. I was already immersed in the healing world. I had all the tools to commit to this way of life with awareness and I was already teaching people how to do that for themselves. Without this foundation, I would have had the same back and forth cycle with food as I did with men or alcohol.
Again, I asked questions about the difficult challenge before me. “What does Candida have to teach me?”
Sugar numbs sensitivity and awareness. The diet was there to help me feel my emotions. At the deepest part of Candida is giving away your power and the energetic stress of repressed emotions.
No matter what, I wouldn’t eat or drink sugar, so what I was left with was all my emotions. There was no way around them. I had to feel them. As painful as it was, it was actually a gift that I could finally live without numbing or comforting my emotions.
The surprising thing was that the fear of dealing with my emotions and the physical symptoms of Candida was infinitely more painful than the emotions themselves.
When I gave all forms of sugar up I was in tune with my wants and needs and could make better decisions, which included avoiding toxic men and not obsessing about how I looked in a sleeveless shirt. I submersed myself in healing. I did a 10-day silent meditation retreat where I realized I had too much attachment to my hair needing to look a certain way for me to feel happy.
So I shaved my head.
I needed to get to a place where I didn’t give a flip about what others thought. To shed Candida, I needed to stand up for myself and be my own best advocate. At restaurants, with friends and family. I had to stop making all excuses for my life.
I couldn’t do a one size fits all life and I couldn’t do a one size fits all approach to Candida. I had to face the hard truth it wouldn’t go away on it’s own. It would get worse. The sooner I faced what Candida had to teach me, the sooner I’d get better.
If I did nothing, I would suffer longer and make it worse. I could try to do it myself. I could buy some cleanse-in-a-box and waste money because nothing else out there addressed Candida on all levels. They all try to eradicate Candida instead of understanding that your symptoms are there to heal you. Even the doctors I spoke to weren’t aware of what it takes.
So I used all parts of my own healing journey and my experience to create a program that addresses all of it. . . the emotions, the spiritual aspects, as well as the physical details of what to eat and what not to eat.
I designed the Candida Programs with three levels of support to meet you where YOU are.
Each of the Candida Programs is comprehensive. They have to be because Candida affects every aspect of your life.
I always say that what I teach are just guidelines. When it comes down to it, you can eat whatever you want. I’ll teach you to notice how you feel when you eat certain foods, and I’ll teach you how to want to feel good so you stop eating foods that keep you bloated, foggy, sick, and unable to have a pleasurable sex life.
This is not a quick fix, and it’s not just about getting rid of your symptoms.
This is about life transformation.
This is how to go from just knowing that you shouldn’t eat something (and feeling terrible about your cravings winning again) to understanding what a beautiful life is waiting for you when you make courageous choices.
What happened when I embraced this fact was nothing short of incredible. I got to experience what others take for granted from Day One. I had been missing out on a part of life that I didn’t even know was missing.
I didn’t walk this difficult path alone. I sought out awareness through spirituality and spiritual healers. I found freedom from my family DNA. I learned to listen to myself so I could finally stand up for myself and never face another abusive relationship again.
When I left my ex-husband after he went psycho on me, my brother wanted to take a baseball bat to him. But I knew that man — the one who wouldn’t let me make a decision — would be one of my greatest teachers because he helped me realize what I’d been missing.
The man I’m married to now?
Let’s just say that I feel happier than I even knew was possible.
When I got married I didn’t do a thing to lose weight. I loved how I looked. I had no desire to have any restrictions on what I ate because I felt full on the inside.
I no longer need approval from society or family. I can still be successful and look really good, but the difference is that it’s not coming from that emotional need to be perfect. I can just be me.
I know you’ll choose the right path for you when the time is right, and if you want help from someone who’s been through it all and came out the other side, I’m here for you.
With Love & Joy!
P.S. Right now you might not be able to even imagine a day without sugar, starches and cravings but I’m telling you it’s more than possible. It’s beautiful. Throughout my whole journey, I didn’t know what I’d find. It just started with the belief that it could be different. If you aren’t sure, just be open to believe me when I say that you’re worthy of it all. Check out the Candida Support Programs here.