Healing Turning Points: Dysfunctional Relationships and Candida
Healing our emotional wounds is a journey that is unique for each person and full of twists and turns, as well as surprising realizations.
While we can be mostly healed from our past, our growth continues and as we grow, different aspects of ourselves are brought to light. This can bring up new aspects of early wounds. This is just a natural part of the healing process.
But one thing that is true for me, and has been for all the people I’ve helped, is that you never forget that point - the point in your life when you finally said, “ENOUGH!”
I call this the “Healing Turning Point”.
We get to our Healing Turning Point in our own time, some people suffer longer than others before deciding to seek the help they need, but eventually, we all experience that moment when we know something has to change.
Today, I am sharing the first part of a new blog series called Healing Turning Points: Transforming Pain Into Self-Love. The purpose of this series is to show you that you are not alone, that others are/have experienced the same pains you have, and that there is a path to healing.
I’m kicking off the series with my very own Healing Turning Point…
6 years ago, I experienced one of the most painful moments of my life. It felt like I would never escape the painful symptoms and patterns that were keeping me stuck in relationships that weren’t just unfulfilling, but incredibly toxic.
Here is the story of my Healing Turning Point…
After I left my abusive ex-husband, I spent the next 7 years focused on healing from my past and creating my business. While I was finishing a 30-day water fast in Costa Rica, a man named Ted (not his real name) contacted me to see if I would do a personalized detox program for him.
He happened to live in Atlanta, and even though I didn’t think I wanted to live in the US again, I thought it would be nice to go back and see my friends - not to mention, I needed the money. I ended up in Costa Rica on a trade, I didn’t have much in the bank, and I didn’t have anywhere else to go. Flying to Atlanta to work with Ted became my only option.
When I saw Ted’s picture on Facebook, I saw something in him that drew me to him. When we spoke I felt a strong, familiar connection. There were many synchronicities and I shared with him that it seemed we had a soul contract. Our connection was undeniable.
When we met, our chemistry was magnetic and intense. He was powerful and childlike. Things were happening fast and it felt a little out of my control. A few days into my stay, he confessed his attraction to me. We were both wrestling with giving in to it since I was working for him.
It was too powerful for me to think clearly.
That statement sums up the rest of our time together
over the next year and a half.
Many people mistake that type of connection for “the one”. It feels so good, so strong, and so intense. The only other time I had a connection like that was with my ex-husband, but even with the way that marriage ended, I still hadn’t “learned my lesson”.
A week into our love affair, Ted was trying to convince me to stop his fasting program and run off to the mountains together. I felt obligated to do what he paid me to do, so I was strong and firm with him. Ted wasn’t used to people, especially women, saying no to him. He always got what he wanted, so he got upset with me. He would withdraw his affection saying we would never work out together. Things were complicated and intense.
Towards the end of his program he got back together with his ex-girlfriend and stopped talking to me. The next day, I left his house to stay with a friend while I looked for a place to live. I found a cute house to rent and finally unpacked all of my luggage for the first time in 3 years.
A week later, Ted sent me a text to apologize, admitted he wasn’t himself because of the fast and asked if he could see me. He picked me up after I was naturally high from a 5 Rhythms dance and took me to sushi. Since I didn’t have much money, going out to a nice dinner was also attractive.
During dinner, I asked Ted if he was still with his girlfriend and he said yes and that they have an agreement since he “can’t be with just one woman”. What Ted wants, Ted gets.
I told him that I didn’t want to be with someone who was with someone else, but the pull to be with Ted was so strong I didn’t listen to my truth. I knew I wanted a relationship with someone who only wanted me.
I ignored my Higher Self and my wounded inner child convinced me that it was okay to be with Ted and just have fun.
I loved being taken out to nice dinners and sleeping over at Ted’s modern penthouse. Whenever he wanted to see me I would say yes. I thought I was enjoying my freedom and having fun. The first weekend I didn’t have plans with anyone, Ted went away with his “public girlfriend”. She posted pictures of them together on Facebook and seeing them hit me hard in my heart.
I felt the pain of not being with him and not being wanted enough for him to only be with me. So I sent him a text message saying it was too hard for me, and I didn’t want to see him again. He didn’t respond until the following week.
When Ted contacted me, he convinced me to see him again. I knew I didn’t want to be with him and yet I still agreed to dinner and ended up staying over at his place. When he was driving me home I noticed my nipples were tender and realized that my period was late. As soon as I got home I grabbed a pregnancy test and it was positive. I laid in the grass thinking about this new life and direction in my life. A new purpose sprang forth. I knew Ted did not want a relationship and definitely didn’t want a child or family, so I didn’t expect him to be happy when I told him.
I also didn’t expect Ted to react the way he did. I sent him a text message with a picture of the positive pregnancy test. Crickets. So then I made it clearer and told him that I was pregnant. I believe he started to go through the different stages of grief. First, denial. Ted didn’t believe that I was pregnant so I had to go to the doctor’s office and get an “official test” to show him. Then he didn’t believe it was his, even though he was the only one I was sleeping with. Then he went into the second stage, anger. Ted thought I did it on purpose, that I was trying to “trap him”.
Once he got to the anger stage I believe Ted stayed there. His narcissism flared up and he said some pretty nasty things to me, the woman who was carrying his baby. He felt shame since it was going to come out that he got me pregnant, so he went into hiding behind his girlfriend.
Ted paid for the visits to the doctor. The doctor visits were always stressful, the fetus wasn’t growing and there was a chance I was having a miscarriage. It was a lot to go through on my own. During that period, Ted called me and confessed his love for me. He said I was the one. I told him I won’t be with him if he is still with her. The baby was helping me grow stronger and clearer.
After four long stressful weeks going to the doctor to check to see if the pregnancy was viable, I had a miscarriage.
When I told Ted he dropped everything, including his girlfriend, and told me he wanted to do it right this time. We attempted a relationship. He was still attached to his girlfriend and refused to take down a picture of her in his house so we stayed at his penthouse. I still didn’t feel good enough for him.
He ended up breaking up with me after 3 weeks, right before my birthday. His guilt left me cash and a gift certificate to the spa that we were supposed to go to together. Once again I was left heartbroken, and his girlfriend took him back as usual.
Shortly after, I made a vision board with my husband on it, I pasted 3 men who showed the qualities I wanted in a man. One was strong and sexy, another was compassionate and good with kids, and another was totally into me, staring at me. I had also pasted a wedding ring around me and my future husband on the vision board.
Ted came over once and saw my vision board and even pointed out that he wasn’t what I wanted. I would agree and then flip flop and convince myself that maybe I didn’t want to be with one man. Once I even sent Ted an article about men who agreed to give women a baby but didn’t have a relationship, thinking that’s what I wanted!
I kept vowing to myself that I would never be with him again.
I knew he wasn’t good for me.
I knew what I wanted and what he wanted and it didn’t match.
When Ted would contact me, he would always tell me what I wanted to hear. I would feel weak, wanted what he had to offer and would have a fun weekend with him. Just like any drug, I was on such a high when I was with him, and then I would crash and feel bad about myself when I wasn’t with him.
On one of our long breaks away from each other I met a man who was totally into me and we started dating. Right when I was starting to fall for him, Ted contacted me and I told him I had a boyfriend and to not contact me again. So Ted wrote me an email saying, once again, everything I wanted to hear. He wrote that he went to see a therapist and cried when they were talking about me and our baby. Ted even asked the therapist why he was crying and the therapist said because he loved me. So he asked me, once again, to be with him. I was hoping things would be different since he went to therapy.
The first weekend back together I found out that my Grandfather wasn’t doing good and I was the only one in the family available and able to be his caretaker. I told Ted I had to drive down to Florida and he got upset with me. The whole time I was with my Grandfather Ted was distant.
I swore I couldn’t go on like this with him anymore. All of our highs would crash and burn and I would end up hurt and feeling alone.
When I returned, we got together again and that night I missed an important session I had scheduled, ironically, with an emotional therapist, who lived in Australia because I got the time difference mixed up. I started to cry because I waited 3 weeks for the appointment and was so upset that I missed it because I desperately needed it and felt conflicted with him. He yelled at me and told me to stop crying and stop being such a victim. The emotional abuse hit me deep and hard.
I left his place and when I got home I fell on my bathroom floor heaving crying so hard. My stomach got so bloated I looked like I was pregnant and yeast was pouring out of me. It was at that moment I knew my chronic symptoms were emotional. I reached out to my friend, Janet Raftis, who confirm what I suspected during an energy healing session. She said my inner child was knocking to come out.
Being with Ted triggered how my wounded inner child had felt with my Dad: unlovable, not good enough, and emotionally abandoned.
I connected with my inner child, I sat with her to express my anger and sadness about how I was treated, and how my childhood experience created the false belief that I was unlovable.
Everyday I looked at a picture of my 2 year old little girl (me) who felt ugly and unlovable and told her I loved her and that she was perfect just the way she is, that she is special and lovable. I told her she deserves to be loved and cared for. I listened to how she felt with Ted, how much he hurt her, expressed my anger and sadness, and I stayed strong for her. I cuddled with my stuffed animal/inner child and sent love from my heart to hers.
Before I started healing my inner child, I would overcompensate to hide the shame buried deep inside of me by looking “perfect” through restricting my food to make sure I was “skinny”. I would post pictures on Facebook seeking validation that I looked good. I would stay busy with work and clients making sure I felt needed.
No matter what healing modality I tried, nothing changed - my patterns with unavailable, controlling, narcissistic men continued, my emotional eating, binging and purging and my digestive problems - all continued until I connected to my little girl and helped her to feel safe, lovable, and that she deserved to get her needs met.
I processed emotions from the past that were being triggered and set boundaries to take care of my feelings. I stopped talking to that man. I finally felt that I deserved to be loved and cared for, and I met my soulmate, Doug, 3 months later.
Since I became my own loving parent, I don’t expect Doug to be my parent to take care of me and my emotional needs. He is truly my partner. I can ask him for what I need, and for the first time in my life, I felt what it was like to be truly loved and supported by a man.
My inner child felt safe to come out and be herself.
We’ve been married for over 4 years now. We laugh and play everyday and continue to heal together, support each other's growth, and our purpose revealed itself as a result.
It may sound odd, but I am grateful for the experience I had with Ted. It was painful, but if I had not gone through what I did, I may have struggled for many more years. That experience revealed what I needed to do (heal my inner child) in order to live a happy, fulfilled life.
If you've been struggling and would like to experience your own healing turning point, my Core Emotional Healing® Self Study Program can help you.
Lots of love!
You can catch up with all installments of the Healing Turning Points series below: